how to survive anything

what i learned during a ten-day survivalism course in mexico

i spent three days making this net

At the top of the year I flew to Mexico to take a ten-day course in extreme survivalism. (You can read about it in full, here, for free, if you want.)

I’ve always been pre-disposed towards self-reliance. As long as I can remember, I’ve always gravitated towards learning new skills. (It may have started in childhood, but most of my memories from back then are pure vapor.) When I was in residency at Blue Mountain Center, for example, I spent all of my non-writing time working in the garden and chopping the firewood we needed for the main hearth. I’ve been learning how to sew, to compost, to care for chickens, tend to beehives, ferment, provide jail support and even sail. I’ve also become especially interested in talking to platonic groups of people who steward land, live communally, exist in functional polycules and have found alternative ways of existing in the world that offer blueprints of possibility.

Maybe it’s because I spend the vast majority of time typing on a computer, but over the years, as we face the undeniable reality of systemic collapse, it has felt increasingly important to Know How to Do Things.

The feeling for me became especially urgent in 2012 after witnessing the devastation of Hurricane Sandy on New York. The horror of seeing parts of the city underwater, watching my beloved Rockaways burn, the gas shortages and panic over food and water has rooted itself permanently in my body. Not long after, I took a workshop on how to escape from Manhattan on foot and packed a bug-out bag (though I eventually ate all the snacks and used the stash of cash to pay for hair and nail appointments.)

But the desire is still there. I’ve gotten tired of feeling distraught by the news, waiting for the next crisis to hit, and when it does, feeling like the only recourse is donating money and stimulating the economy. Of course, those things are helpful, but I also wanted to feel ready for any situation. Prepared.

It took a year of coordinating, but I was finally able to apprentice with a wilderness guide named Amós Rodriguez, who was a contestant on “Alone.” I learned how to make fire, build shelter, hunt, throw projectiles, search for clean water, forage for materials, weave and fish with a handheld line. Amós also tried to teach me how to spearfish, but I have been cursed with terrible eyesight since I was a child and could not aim underwater to (literally) save my life. I felt really lucky to study with him; his lifelong work with Lakota elders and spiritual relationship with the land oriented our work around exchange, not extraction, which I was extremely grateful for. It was incredibly intense and extremely rewarding.

We also spent a lot of time talking about theories of sustainability. Both of us grew up in survival mode, albeit in different ways, but what his childhood and years of wilderness preparation had taught him was that surviving is largely about mindset. Hard skills are great, of course, but if you can’t get a grip on your thoughts when shit goes down, you’re fucked either way. During the tougher moments, we tried to find levity to lift the mood. And despite the grim undertones of the world falling apart, there were moments on the trip that were truly hilarious. We both realized we forgot spoons, so we (aka he) hacked up some branches and we went to work carving cutlery. After a few minutes, his had become a gorgeous work of art while mine looked like a child’s drawing. One evening, after sharing a skimpy dinner of the single fish we’d caught that day, we were working on our respective crafts (me, weaving the net in the photo above, him, making a rattle from an old coconut), we glanced up simultaneously to see an ENORMOUS tarantula casually waddling towards us. Amós gasped — in concern, I thought. “Oh man, I love this place,” he gushed, in wonder.

our respective spoons

During our time together, we did a lot of breathing exercises to regulate our nervous systems. We camped on a deserted beach two hours from any other humans, spending all of our environment where there were jaguars, scorpions, venomous spiders and enormous sting rays luxuriating in the picturesque shallow bay. At night, they swapped places with saltwater crocodiles who cased our camp for the fish guts we’d left on the rocks nearby. But for all the stress, it was unbelievable profound and gorgeous. Each morning, I would wake up to bird song and the moon rise, which I could see from my hammock during those precious holy pre-dawn moments.

There were a few things that didn’t make it into the piece. Namely, my grief over encountering our extensive damage to the planet. Here’s a part where I’m coming to terms with how hard it was to get food, even in seemingly idyllic circumstances.

[Amos, my guide] had lamented, more than a few times, about how overfishing and garbage had taxed the area. It also may have been rising water temperatures, construction and the influx of people who travel from all over to try flyfish for their most elusive species. There was a day when I sat in the sun, fishing with just a line and worms that I dug from the sand, shivering with chills and nausea. I chalked it up to traveler’s sickness, but later, after doing some research, I wondered if it was due ciguatera, a food-borne sickness that comes from eating wild fish which have ingested the toxins from their environment. As pristine and untouched as the landscape appeared, it was not immune from the soiling of the footprint of humanity. No matter how many different ways I learned to start a fire, it wouldn’t matter if there was nothing to cook over it, or if the fish themselves were polluted. The revelation — another apocalypse — destabilized me. What is the point of surviving if there’s nothing left to live for?

none of these fish were caught by my net, unfortunately :/

The trip was hard, way harder than I imagined it could be. It’s still a little difficult to talk about in a way that accurately captures the intensity of the experiences. The heat, the mosquitos, the fatigue, the hypervigilence. The endless effort and work that surviving requires is remarkable.

But now I know how to make fire five ways. I know how to open a coconut without a knife. I know how to use a machete, many different kind of knives, how to carve things from wood and hunt and track and trap and fish and clean animals and use every single part of them. I know how to make a net from paracord and anchor it in water to (allegedly) catch fish. I’m only at the beginning of learning these things but I did most of all successfully, at least once, and that means something to me.

While I was on the island, I thought a lot about the easy erosion of language during this time, how quickly we are to name this era as the worst era, the end times, Armageddon, the apocalypse. It makes sense - how else can we quickly articulate the many cataclysms of right now? But I’m starting to think something gets lost when we don’t try. A dear writer friend of mine recently shared that she feels like dystopian narratives can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. They leave no room for the imagination, for the possibility to envision anything but the worst possible outcome.

It’s so seductive to surrender to doomerism. It allows for the illusion of control; that we can predict the future. Conceding becomes luxurious, even satisfying. A foregone conclusion. In my research, I learned that the world “apocalypse” comes from apokálypsis, meaning revelation, or hidden knowledge. To me, that etymology suggests a divinely ordered retribution, a punitive conclusion, a future Judgment Day when all will be revealed. It carries the idea that some mighty righteousness will organize our madness and impose justice on all the awful things we witness that seem to have no earthly consequences. It likely won’t, and in the meantime, we just have to keep preparing for the untenable and unimaginable.

gorgeous and infested with crocodiles and stinging things

There are three major lessons from my trip that have stuck with me:

1. Every day is an apocalypse for someone, and the meaning of survival is rapidly shifting beneath our feet.

2. Surviving is almost entirely a mental game. Being calm, rational and able to regulate your emotions is an extremely important soft skill. Surviving is high-stress, and recognizing when the body is in psychological distress is essential.

3. Figure out who your people are, and stick with them. I feel like a broken record, but it’s true. The piece gets into the classic notion of the “prepper” and how that’s evolving away from the traditional idea of someone who stockpiles supplies and hunkers in a bunker, protecting themselves while they wait for the world to end. But preparing in 2025 means something else. It means rejecting individualism, expanding your world view, adapting to the world that we’ve created, not clinging desperately to a fantasy of a bygone time. Our neighbors (including the plants and animals) will be the difference between life and death. Knowing who to trust, who to work and build with (and who not to) is the most critical skill for the days ahead.

I still have all of my gear, packed into a a backpack along with some supplies in my closet. If anyone’s interested in my list of must-have item, press 1 in the comments below!

my apocalyptic reading list

As promised in an earlier newsletter, here are the seven books I read in January before/during/after, arranged in order of most to least enjoyed: I Who Have Not Known Men, Station Eleven (a re-read), The Book of the Unnamed Midwife, The Ministry of Time (a re-read), Tender is the Flesh, The Dog Stars, Gather the Daughters.

the best thing i made this week

my first post-recovery attempt at cooking more than a sweet potato. organic carrots roasted in avocado oil, nestled on some yogurt, with tahini, sea salt and mint. totally needed a nap afterwards, but it was worth it

the juicy bits

The arrest and disappearance of Mahmoud Khalil should be keeping you awake at night and if it isn’t, you’ve lost the entire plot. It’s been clear for a long time that this country is tilting towards full-blown censorship, and this sets a legal precedent that completely disregards our rights in an incomprehensibly violent way. Sarah has some information on how to create social proof to archive, acknowledge and resist this horrifying and pivotal era. Related: DHS is encouraging people to “self-deport” and launch a mobile app to help them with the paperwork. Under Biden, the same app allowed migrants to apply to enter the U.S. legally as asylum-seekers.

The cause of brain fog is, well, foggy, but it’s real and it’s here to stay.

Kimberly gave me this WNBA branded Fear of God hoodie and it’s what I’ll be wearing to some March Madness games (and hopefully the draft next month). Perfect for the slide into crispier temps.

“The only thing unique to trans people is that we cross one binary, but the things that make us trans are emotions that everybody experiences.” Thank you, Torrey x It’s Been a Minute, for getting me even more hype to dive into Stag Dance.

How can we start to repay the massive debt to the earth that we live on? Wilderness tithing (ty Perrin!) is the idea that every time you go on a trip, you support the groups helping to protect the very land you are on, by donating or volunteering.

Earlier this week, I was excited to join some amazing writers for a late-night reading in a Russian bathhouse. It felt so good to leave the house and put actual clothes on (I wore a sheer lime dress thing that I’ve had forever). I got really inspired listening to Jaboukie (who performed an erotic polycule fan fic about Mitch McConnell) and Mary (who read a manifesto about wanting to fuck Luigi Mangione) and resolved to be more adventurous in my writing. I never really write for fun. It’s always for something — here, the book, my dayjob, and it’s hard to remember it’s OK, even necessary to be silly. I left (at 1AM!) committed to finding time in 2025 to let my inner freakshows out on the page a bit more. (Thank you in advance for your patience. I don’t take it for granted!)

I ordered more milky oats tincture from Jennifer, one of my favorite herbalists, to help settle my nervous system. As a bonus treat, she threw in her latest energetic essence, which was so generous and kind, and I’ve been really enjoying working with the verdant, lush energy of moss, the plant she highlighted this month.

I cannot currently justify ordering these extravagant and ravishing Icelandic poppies, but maybe I’ll splurge once I turn in my book properly. Till then, I loveeee love love looking at videos of them doing their tipsy corkscrew heliophile flower dance.

There’s a deli in Staten Island that lets kids do a supermarket sweep and grab whatever they want if they bring in a good report card and/or a perfect attendance record. It’s very telling that most of them are grabbing eggs and bread, along with their chips and drinks. Times are rough, but there are still good people out there.

I took Kara’s recommendation and used some spare credit card points to get a microcurrent device to add to my skincare routine. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I just signed up for a four-mile paddle down the Bronx River, New York’s only freshwater river, to help raise money to keep it accessible for local residents to enjoy. You can learn more about the fundraising efforts here and donate if you feel so inclined.

Kelela’s new unplugged album, “In the Blue Light” is absolutely hypnotic, particularly from four minute mark into ‘Love Notes,’ when her slowed down, dragged out vocals swim alongside the iridescent harp played by the legend Ahya Simone.

Lastly: We’re losing too many legends. Thank you, Mr. Ayers, for the perfect song to send to your crush on a warm spring day 🌞

ONE LAST THING! WILL YOU TELL ME YOUR SURVIVALISM STORIES? Are you thinking about prepping? Have you taken a course? What are you learning / stockpiling / worrying about? Even if you’re just watching every season of Alone, that counts! What books / YouTube / the podcasts / classes are you into? What do you know how to do? What do you WANT to know how to do? What future are you trying to prepare for — and most importantly, do you feel like it’s helping? LMK here! And thank you for sharing - I’m excited to be in community with you.

Thank you for reading. I’m back on Instagram and still trying to figure out Bluesky, if either of those are your things. Till so very soon <3